MY STORY, MY PROGRESS
My life has not been anything extraordinary. I do not have any crazy talents. I have not done anything worthy of great achievement in my eyes for the big world. I have however, loved passionately and deeply. I have experienced grief, heartache, and anxiety that buried me in the complexities of despair and disease. I have experienced hope and strength first hand, as it transformed me from a physically and emotionally depleted being into a renewed soul willing to change. I have picked up the pieces of my messy life and have said goodbye to my eating disorder, Roman was her name. I’m sure you had a name for yours too. Ana? Ed? These identify the voice in our heads that are so difficult to silence. We find ourselves in a torturous battle with them. Yet, they don’t identify us. I have absorbed this and have recreated my life into something way more meaningful.
Like you must know, eating disorders are hard work. They are incredibly exhausting on your mind, body, soul and health. It’s an extremely vicious cycle that takes strength and determination and will to get out of. Most of us though, are in denial. I didn’t think I had anything wrong with me. I refused to admit that the habits I was delving into were negative and harmful. I didn’t realize I was putting my body through hell and back, and I did so a few times. I had a distorted view of myself, and of my body image. I had an intense fear of gaining weight, exercised compulsively, only ate a few ‘safe’ foods, read nutrition labels rigorously, obsessively weighed myself, and didn’t eat without counting calories. I became extremely OCD. I turned into a perfectionist with everything. I spent so much of my energy on food, exercise and schoolwork. Needless to say, I made the Dean’s list both semesters that year. But, my health needed to be placed first.
Luckily, in my case, I had an excellent team of doctors that watched my weight and vital signs bi-weekly. Not only that, but I have two outstanding parents who cared enough to realize when I was getting too sick. Willingly, I did the Eating Disorder Program at Butler Hospital three separate times. Now, if you’ve been to any treatment programs, you know what they consist of. Meetings with doctors, nutritionists and psychologists, all who ask you the same questions. Supervised meals. No cell phones. Group Therapy. You get it. I remember the first night I went home and tried to eat dinner, and it was the biggest struggle I’ve ever had with food. However, it was at that very moment, I appreciated the help I was receiving. I recall looking at my plate of food and crying due to overwhelming emotions. I thought; I can’t believe I’m this afraid of something so nutritious. Yet, it was these programs that taught me the tools and lessons towards a successful recovery, and for that, I am forever grateful. It saved my life. Now, if you haven’t done treatment, do not be afraid. Going through treatment allows you to learn you are not alone, what your triggers are, and what you can do in replace of your bad habits. Here’s what I learned about myself as my eating disorder unraveled:
I learned that not eating was my way of coping with certain things and temporarily made me feel better about myself as whole, not just on the outside. Controlling my intake of food felt like I had control over my life. In the real scheme of things, so many things felt out of control in my life and what I consumed was the only thing I could essentially regulate. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of empowerment. My scale was my best friend, and I applauded myself for having such great willpower. But, I celebrate how proud I am of myself more now.
Recovery is an on-going process, so everyday is difficult. I am not flawless and I have acknowledged that reaching perfection is an impractical ambition. Roman is no longer my top priority, I am my top priority. I no longer wanted to plan my days around food. I began to felt guilty for all the money my parents had to spend on treatment. I recognized that I didn’t want to live a life consumed by an eating disorder. I wanted to be able to channel my energy into something worthwhile. Most of all, I wanted to be HAPPY. I wanted to be present in life’s precious moments. Sound familiar??
I share my story with you in hopes that you will relate and be able to learn something significant and beneficial from me. I continue to see a therapist and a nutritionist, as both have become a huge part in my life and in my survival. I’ve learned to accept that I need to set reasonable expectations and I learned that I am not crazy, irrational, or dumb. KNOW YOU AREN’T EITHER! I know that this is a long, rigid road. I know that relapses and slips are not unfamiliar, so I am prepared. What’s truly imperative though, is that I keep trucking through this and learn to stand up when I fall. Take it from me, you don’t want to look back on life and regret not experiencing it to its’ fullest. Things worthwhile don’t come easy. Yet, through this experience and as my recovery process continues; I continuously learn new things about myself as a person. Remember, if you had the determination and will power to get into your eating disorder, you have that same strength and authority to get out. During recovery, there are days where your determination and will power are put to the test. Especially during difficult times in your life where you may be tempted to go backwards into old, unhealthy habits. I always tell people, relapses don’t mean you failed. It’s often an inevitable part of recovery. It’s what we learn from that relapse that sincerely matters. Surrender already, I promise you it’s worth it. Push yourself to the edge like I did; don’t just stay on cruise control. I never thought I would get through this, but I did, and I have confidence in you too.
Like you must know, eating disorders are hard work. They are incredibly exhausting on your mind, body, soul and health. It’s an extremely vicious cycle that takes strength and determination and will to get out of. Most of us though, are in denial. I didn’t think I had anything wrong with me. I refused to admit that the habits I was delving into were negative and harmful. I didn’t realize I was putting my body through hell and back, and I did so a few times. I had a distorted view of myself, and of my body image. I had an intense fear of gaining weight, exercised compulsively, only ate a few ‘safe’ foods, read nutrition labels rigorously, obsessively weighed myself, and didn’t eat without counting calories. I became extremely OCD. I turned into a perfectionist with everything. I spent so much of my energy on food, exercise and schoolwork. Needless to say, I made the Dean’s list both semesters that year. But, my health needed to be placed first.
Luckily, in my case, I had an excellent team of doctors that watched my weight and vital signs bi-weekly. Not only that, but I have two outstanding parents who cared enough to realize when I was getting too sick. Willingly, I did the Eating Disorder Program at Butler Hospital three separate times. Now, if you’ve been to any treatment programs, you know what they consist of. Meetings with doctors, nutritionists and psychologists, all who ask you the same questions. Supervised meals. No cell phones. Group Therapy. You get it. I remember the first night I went home and tried to eat dinner, and it was the biggest struggle I’ve ever had with food. However, it was at that very moment, I appreciated the help I was receiving. I recall looking at my plate of food and crying due to overwhelming emotions. I thought; I can’t believe I’m this afraid of something so nutritious. Yet, it was these programs that taught me the tools and lessons towards a successful recovery, and for that, I am forever grateful. It saved my life. Now, if you haven’t done treatment, do not be afraid. Going through treatment allows you to learn you are not alone, what your triggers are, and what you can do in replace of your bad habits. Here’s what I learned about myself as my eating disorder unraveled:
I learned that not eating was my way of coping with certain things and temporarily made me feel better about myself as whole, not just on the outside. Controlling my intake of food felt like I had control over my life. In the real scheme of things, so many things felt out of control in my life and what I consumed was the only thing I could essentially regulate. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of empowerment. My scale was my best friend, and I applauded myself for having such great willpower. But, I celebrate how proud I am of myself more now.
Recovery is an on-going process, so everyday is difficult. I am not flawless and I have acknowledged that reaching perfection is an impractical ambition. Roman is no longer my top priority, I am my top priority. I no longer wanted to plan my days around food. I began to felt guilty for all the money my parents had to spend on treatment. I recognized that I didn’t want to live a life consumed by an eating disorder. I wanted to be able to channel my energy into something worthwhile. Most of all, I wanted to be HAPPY. I wanted to be present in life’s precious moments. Sound familiar??
I share my story with you in hopes that you will relate and be able to learn something significant and beneficial from me. I continue to see a therapist and a nutritionist, as both have become a huge part in my life and in my survival. I’ve learned to accept that I need to set reasonable expectations and I learned that I am not crazy, irrational, or dumb. KNOW YOU AREN’T EITHER! I know that this is a long, rigid road. I know that relapses and slips are not unfamiliar, so I am prepared. What’s truly imperative though, is that I keep trucking through this and learn to stand up when I fall. Take it from me, you don’t want to look back on life and regret not experiencing it to its’ fullest. Things worthwhile don’t come easy. Yet, through this experience and as my recovery process continues; I continuously learn new things about myself as a person. Remember, if you had the determination and will power to get into your eating disorder, you have that same strength and authority to get out. During recovery, there are days where your determination and will power are put to the test. Especially during difficult times in your life where you may be tempted to go backwards into old, unhealthy habits. I always tell people, relapses don’t mean you failed. It’s often an inevitable part of recovery. It’s what we learn from that relapse that sincerely matters. Surrender already, I promise you it’s worth it. Push yourself to the edge like I did; don’t just stay on cruise control. I never thought I would get through this, but I did, and I have confidence in you too.
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